My spouse doesn't know our bank accounts. How do I tell them calmly?

If you handle the money in your house, your spouse may not know which banks you use, where the life insurance policy is, or who to call first. The fix is smaller than it sounds: write one list of where things are, check that each account names the right person, and walk your spouse through it on an ordinary evening. You do not need to talk about dying for an hour. You need about fifteen minutes and a finished page to hand over.

This guide shows the free, do-it-yourself way to do that, step by step.

The hard part of this conversation is usually the blank page. "We should talk about what happens if something happens to me" is heavy. "Here is the list of our accounts, can I show you where it lives?" is household admin, the same as showing someone where the water shut-off valve is.

So do the work first, on your own, and only then sit down together. A finished list does three things:

• It keeps the conversation short and practical.
• It answers questions your spouse would not know to ask.
• It works even if the conversation never happens, because it can be found.

Write down where things are and who to contact, not passwords. A list that says "checking and savings at our local credit union, statements in the blue folder, branch phone number on the card in the folder" is far more useful, and far safer, than a list of logins.

Go category by category. For each item, write what it is, where the paperwork lives, and who to call.

Add one line at the top: the date you last updated it.

While you are making the list, look at how each account is titled. Many financial accounts let you name who receives the money if you die, and that choice is separate from your will.

• Bank accounts. Banks can set up an account as "payable-on-death" (POD) or "in trust for" (ITF) a named person; the FDIC lists these as informal revocable trust accounts. Ask your bank whether your accounts have a beneficiary and how to add or change one.
• Investment accounts. Transfer-on-death (TOD) registration lets securities pass directly to the person you name without going through probate, so the executor does not have to act for that transfer. State law governs how securities can be registered, and each brokerage firm decides whether to offer TOD registration, so ask yours.
• Life insurance and retirement plans. These usually have their own beneficiary form. Check that it still names the right person, especially after a marriage, divorce or new child.

One calm fact worth knowing: if a bank account owner dies, the FDIC continues to insure that owner's accounts as if they were still alive for six months, so there is no rush to move money around in the first weeks.

The best place is somewhere private that does not depend on you being there to open it. Common choices:

• A labeled folder in a locked drawer or fire-safe box at home, with your spouse knowing where the key is.
• A sealed copy with your estate planning attorney, next to your will.
• A copy stored with the original will, so whoever finds one finds both.

For the will itself, write on the list exactly where the original signed copy is and who drafted it. If an attorney drafted it, ask them where the original should be kept.

For your digital life, several big providers already have free, official settings for this. Set them up while you are at it:

• Google Inactive Account Manager lets you choose up to 10 people to receive some or all of your Google account data after your account has been inactive for a period you set. Your contacts are not notified during setup, only once that period has passed.
• Apple Legacy Contact lets you name one or more people who can request access to data such as photos, messages, notes and backups after your death. They will need the access key you generate and a death certificate. Passwords and passkeys in iCloud Keychain are not included.

If you keep crypto, add a separate page that says where each wallet is and where its recovery information is physically stored, never the recovery phrase itself. The free crypto template in this guide walks through this.

Pick an ordinary moment: after paying bills, during a yearly budget review, or when you renew insurance. Avoid holidays, birthdays and the night before a trip.

A simple flow that keeps things light:

1. Open with the practical reason. "I've written down where our accounts and policies are, because right now it's all in my head. Can I show you where it is?"
2. Show where the list lives first. The single most important fact is where to find it.
3. Walk through it top to bottom. One sentence per item. Let your spouse stop you anywhere.
4. Point out the three calls to make first. Usually the attorney or executor, the main bank, and the life insurance company or employer HR.
5. Ask what is missing. Your spouse may know about accounts or policies you forgot.
6. Agree on a check-in date. Once a year, or when something big changes, you update it together.

That is the whole thing. If it goes well, you can add a personal letter later. It helps to keep two separate pieces: the list holds the facts, and a short letter holds the things you would want to say. Store the letter with the list so it is found at the same time.

A list helps after a death, but a backup plan should also cover the time when you are alive but cannot handle money, for example after an accident or during a long illness.

The usual tool for this is a power of attorney: a legal document that gives someone you trust legal authority to make decisions about your money or property. According to the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, people often make one so that someone else can handle their money if they can no longer manage their own finances. The same guidance notes that the agent's authority ends when the person dies, which is why a power of attorney and a will do different jobs.

Note where your power of attorney is on the list. If you do not have one, that is a good reason to book time with an attorney.

You can make the hard weeks easier by adding a short "first steps" note. These are standard, free routes in the US:

• Social Security. The funeral director usually reports the death to Social Security if given the Social Security number. Social Security does not take death reports online or by email; otherwise it is done by phone or at a local office.
• Life insurance that can't be found. The NAIC Life Insurance Policy Locator is free. Participating insurers check their records, and if a policy is found and the requester is the beneficiary, the insurer contacts them directly.
• Forgotten accounts. A bank account with no customer activity is generally treated as abandoned after three to five years, depending on state law, and the money is sent to the state. Searching the official state programs, including MissingMoney.com, which is run by the National Association of Unclaimed Property Administrators, is free.
• Taxes. The final income tax return is prepared the same way as if the person were alive, reporting income up to the date of death. A refund is claimed with IRS Form 1310.

A list and a conversation are a great start, but they do not move legal ownership of anything. See an estate planning attorney if any of these apply:

• You do not have a will, or it is more than a few years old or written before a marriage, divorce or new child.
• You own a home, a business, or property in more than one state.
• You have children from a previous relationship or a dependent with special needs.
• You want someone to manage money for you if you become unable to (power of attorney, trust).
• You hold crypto or other assets that only you know how to reach.